Category: disconnect

romanticize it all you want

but i’m not a romantic.

this pizza didn’t do ‘it’ for me.
not enough pepperoni. (there was none, it was half veg half hawaiian)
and usually i like canadian bacon and pineapple but this one was just so-so. and this was from what i thought was my favorite pizza place, round table.
i’m beginning to question everything.



do some people seem more ‘real’ to you than others?
what does that mean?
isn’t everyone real?

maybe people seem more real to me when they have the same type of demeanor as i have? or the same type of general ‘goal’ in life. ‘role’ in life?

each person sees things through a different lens.
do some people seem like they are trying to ‘put on airs’?
trying to heavily influence your perception of them?
manipulate your perception of them.
well, that’s human. isn’t it?

i can’t imagine what it would be like to be ‘famous’ or even on any higher/more advanced social level than what i am currently managing (which is scant, let me tell you)
i feel overwhelmed just by a few interactions in a day, sometimes. the more human interaction i have the more i need to recuperate and get away from it all.

so, i try to seek a minimal amount. reminds me of when i was in high school, i would spend most of my lunches in the library, reading. i enjoyed the solitude, but still the ability to spy on people. i would go outside and do a little interacting, a walkthrough of the quad, maybe. same thing now, at my work. i might see who’s in the breakroom but usually (and the more populated i find it), i sneak off to a room where i can hide and not have to hear people talking or listen to the t.v.

at the same time, i do want to talk to people, but i want to have a certain type of interaction. we all have an agenda. i want to talk to the ‘real you’ not your persona, really. if you understand.

cut to the chase, so to speak. sort of…
i don’t want to interact with the ‘social’ you.

i’m not saying there is no value in ‘social’ behavior/personas per se. a lot of very successful and happy people are very sociable. and i don’t consider myself to be a great success, other than just as a survivor, sort of. i am just saying i don’t know how people do it!

but some people are very energetic or charismatic or sociable or ambitious…. etc.

i guess my general outlook is, hey, we are all in this together and none of us really knows what’s really going on, ultimately… none of us really knows why we are all here or how we got here or what we are doing, so “hi, what’s up”

come on, admit it: human life is weird.

and i am not 100% sure what i want or what i am doing! how can i be when there are so many factors operating in the universe? how can i influence them all? do i have that power? how much power do we have? is it as much as we think we have?

i guess i just don’t want it to be a competition. i don’t want to compete with other people. i don’t like power plays. i think i’ve rambled enough on this subject.

just can’t hide it

look what i found!!

so exciting.
so, i am guessing this is similar to how banksy works?
it’s paper glued to the wall.

to me, it’s sexy.
it’s like stealthy rebel art.
it’s like “HA! ART! IN YOUR FACE! unauthorized! illegal!”

okay, i admit, it was me. (bad grammar intentional)

cuz i am a huge rebel, like that.

just kidding. i’m not quite this cool, yet.
soon, i will be, i am hoping.

that is all.
this was like a moment of heaven that started my day out.
then i went to work and had a massage, that was actually very emotional because my back holds so much pain and tension.
a ten minute introductory massage, more like massage foreplay because now i want a two hour massage! every day!

that is what i should ask for for my birthday from my mom. again. she got me one a while back, it may have been last year. boy time really is going faster. you know it.