but i’m not a romantic.
this pizza didn’t do ‘it’ for me.
not enough pepperoni. (there was none, it was half veg half hawaiian)
and usually i like canadian bacon and pineapple but this one was just so-so. and this was from what i thought was my favorite pizza place, round table.
i’m beginning to question everything.
do some people seem more ‘real’ to you than others?
what does that mean?
isn’t everyone real?
maybe people seem more real to me when they have the same type of demeanor as i have? or the same type of general ‘goal’ in life. ‘role’ in life?
each person sees things through a different lens.
do some people seem like they are trying to ‘put on airs’?
trying to heavily influence your perception of them?
manipulate your perception of them.
well, that’s human. isn’t it?
i can’t imagine what it would be like to be ‘famous’ or even on any higher/more advanced social level than what i am currently managing (which is scant, let me tell you)
i feel overwhelmed just by a few interactions in a day, sometimes. the more human interaction i have the more i need to recuperate and get away from it all.
so, i try to seek a minimal amount. reminds me of when i was in high school, i would spend most of my lunches in the library, reading. i enjoyed the solitude, but still the ability to spy on people. i would go outside and do a little interacting, a walkthrough of the quad, maybe. same thing now, at my work. i might see who’s in the breakroom but usually (and the more populated i find it), i sneak off to a room where i can hide and not have to hear people talking or listen to the t.v.
at the same time, i do want to talk to people, but i want to have a certain type of interaction. we all have an agenda. i want to talk to the ‘real you’ not your persona, really. if you understand.
cut to the chase, so to speak. sort of…
i don’t want to interact with the ‘social’ you.
i’m not saying there is no value in ‘social’ behavior/personas per se. a lot of very successful and happy people are very sociable. and i don’t consider myself to be a great success, other than just as a survivor, sort of. i am just saying i don’t know how people do it!
but some people are very energetic or charismatic or sociable or ambitious…. etc.
i guess my general outlook is, hey, we are all in this together and none of us really knows what’s really going on, ultimately… none of us really knows why we are all here or how we got here or what we are doing, so “hi, what’s up”
come on, admit it: human life is weird.
and i am not 100% sure what i want or what i am doing! how can i be when there are so many factors operating in the universe? how can i influence them all? do i have that power? how much power do we have? is it as much as we think we have?
i guess i just don’t want it to be a competition. i don’t want to compete with other people. i don’t like power plays. i think i’ve rambled enough on this subject.
look what i found!!
so exciting.
so, i am guessing this is similar to how banksy works?
it’s paper glued to the wall.
to me, it’s sexy.
it’s like stealthy rebel art.
it’s like “HA! ART! IN YOUR FACE! unauthorized! illegal!”
okay, i admit, it was me. (bad grammar intentional)
cuz i am a huge rebel, like that.
just kidding. i’m not quite this cool, yet.
soon, i will be, i am hoping.
that is all.
this was like a moment of heaven that started my day out.
then i went to work and had a massage, that was actually very emotional because my back holds so much pain and tension.
a ten minute introductory massage, more like massage foreplay because now i want a two hour massage! every day!
that is what i should ask for for my birthday from my mom. again. she got me one a while back, it may have been last year. boy time really is going faster. you know it.
seatbelt buckle. fell off joe’s jeep a long time ago.
someone’s version of a wino.
just some books on a shelf.
i am really tired and tomorrow is my day off and i don’t think i am going to go anywhere. i am going to stay home and rest. i am sorry!!!! i’ll make some phone calls. i just need some rest.
another early morning walk.
it’s good for me.
and actually, i’ve had two people offer me rides. one on the way to my apartment. this woman actually lives right across from me. then another man, who was coming out in the morning to leave, in his truck. he said good morning and i did, too, but not very friendly-ly.
so i was walking down the road in the early morning…
and he offered me a lift.
older gentleman.
he’s lived in my apartment complex for 7 yrs.
i’ve only lived there as many months.
he was headed out for the big weekend to the bay area where he’s from and his family lives. so, i got the lift to the transit center, but as can be predicted i was there about a half an hour early (that’s about how long my walk takes) so then i walked to the library and dropped off a book. GEEZ! FINE! it’s LATE! SOrry!! and yes, i have two other late books but i am not done with them and i know i should just renew them but sometimes things can be easier said than done, now, can’t they?
also i went to the ATM at my bank so i could avoid the $2-4 charge for using a non-bank atm. plus i still got my exercise and a little novelty, which, i think, is very good for the brain. or mind-body system, if you will. ha.
and then today, my coworker, Amy, gave me a ride home because yesterday on my walk home she was driving up my street after having taken a nap in the park, i am told. she offers to give me a ride sometime and today, i took her up on it. again… novelty. good for ya.
but for me? not TOO much. i get over-stimulated.
coupla characters, i tell you whut.
why do i associate with these n’e'r-do-wells?
i really can’t tell you. i’ve always been fascinated with the downtrodden.
no i am being jokey.
uhmm.
i dunno.
i’m mad at them both, and you can probably see why.
isn’t it obvious?
i mean, come on. really?
YOU’VE BEEN BLOGGED.
booya.
hi.
it is an absolutely beautiful day! FINALLY!!!!!!
i’ve been doing a little bit of spring cleaning.
need to do much more, this is certain.
but blogging comes first, man.
it relaxes me somehow.
i am listening to some awesome music.
i should add a new category.
i find it hilarious when guys “catcall” me when i look completely horrible, i.m.o…, like when i just got off work, have my work clothes on and am tired and stinky and just not feeling hot. HAHA. it is funny. they must be reeeeaaaaalllly desperate. or like, spring fever is hittin’ them HARD.
today, it was so funny, this guy was driving a truck and i noticed the girl in the passenger seat was REALLY hot at far away first glance, anyway… .and as i am crossing in the crosswalk in front of their stopped truck, he “WOO!”s me. WHAT? REALLY? (i am so tired of people saying, “really?”)
shrug.
(have i posted this picture, already? i don’t feel like checking back. oh well, nobody reads my blog, anyway.)
i’ve never taken ambien. scares me. no plans to do so in the future, thanks. i don’t trust Dow Chemical Company.
and what is adderall?
i am not sure about all these drugs.
i’ve never done them.
but tomorrow might be a good day to go see a matinee of alice in wonderland in 3D.
since i got my new stupid cricket phone…
most of the phone calls and text messages i get are in spanish and directed toward some woman named Blanca.
darling, you are a fabulous, wonderful individual, sweetie.
never settle.
much is being revealed to me about myself.
things that are not exactly what i want to have revealed to myself about myself. hm.
did i even take pictures of anything but myself?
i went picking apples in an orchard, and ate a freshly picked granny smith. didn’t bring my phone with me on that little excursion, but i still have fond memories to keep locked within the hidden chambers of my heart. i always seem to love things more in retrospect.
i forced myself to eat salmon today just as a matter of principle?
and i drank some aloe vera juice mixed with simply lemonade.
went to cabela’s for the first time and got a new hat. it’s forest green like my new jacket.
sorry to make you O.D. on photos of me. i am self obsessed.
(joking)
there were lots of cool photo ops in cabela’s but oh noooo
guaranteed you don’t bring your camera, you’ll stumble across all the amazing photo opportunities.
ok, bored of doing this now.
everyone keeps saying i look angry today.
not sure why.
i guess i just have a lot on my mind?
there is a new girl at work and things seemed really hectic
messy
disorganized.
i like organization.
i know i slept well last night.
i just need a moment to get back in touch with myself.
and i need a gym membership so i can get rid of my lovehandles, cankles and fat knees. ;-)
i also have gray hairs.
i need boxes.
so i can start packing stuff.
i have thirty days to get my stuff moved and my apartment cleaned
but the way i look at it, the sooner i start the better.
everything takes time.
competes for time.
i need some uplifting.
i really don’t want my neighbors coming over to talk to me this evening.
but i need friends on my side who can help me get through this transition.
and someone said...